Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20
A new beer also will I give you, and a new fuzzy numb feeling will I put within you: and I will take the warm, flat beer out of your hand, and I will give you a cold and bubbly beer, and I will put my hand around your neck and shout "'ray!!!", and cause you to throw up in my bathrooms.
- Ezekiel 36:26-27

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23
Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes. Fuck I'm bent.
- Song of Solomon 2:15

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21
Hear thou, my son, and be jovial, and guide thine heart in the way. Be among riotous eaters of flesh. For the drunkard and the glutton shall have a righteous party and you're all invited!
- Proverbs 23:19-21

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21
And they brought him unto him: and when he saw him, straightway the spirit tare him; and he fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming. And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Since he drank those Desperados.
- Mark 9:20-21

Gemini

May 22 - June 21
One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must look down on him who does not, for he has denied hamburgers.
- Romans 14:2-3

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20
As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which has big hooters, thin waist, a firm round butt and great legs.
- Redheads 36-24-36

Cancer

June 22 - July 22
And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: plowshares and pruninghooks are gruesome weapons indeed.
- Isaiah: 2:4

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20
Go to the beneficiary, you capitalist; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it still has enough money to get pissed every weekend.
- Proverbs 6:6-8

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22
If satan comes near me he's gonna feel the heavy end of a baseball bat.
- II Corinthians 2:11

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19
Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, and remember to take summer clothing and sunscreen.
- Matthew 25:41

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22
And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them. And they were all pretty stupid.
- 1 Kings 18:28

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20
And there was a big rumble in heaven, Micheal and his homies fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his posse fought back, but lost, because they were no fun to be around and drank the beers of others, and the great dragon was cast out, and his posse with him.
- Revelation 12:7-9