Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20
Wears stylish black bulletproof armor and possesses the strength of 3.1415 men. Fires miniature nuclear missles from between toes. Enjoys powerful mafia connections.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23
Diminutive and gremlin like. Defeats enemies by perpetually poking them in the shoulder. Regenerates lost limbs. Has a deadly energy blaster but can never seem to find it when he needs it.

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21
Part insect, part lawyer, can use extra appendages to wield deadly law suits. Accute sight and hearing. Flies. Can see through time. Susceptible to iritating sound attacks.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Wears a black mask and body armor decorated with a soothing spring floral pattern. Has long sharp claws and can climb vertical faces with ease. Can assume form of any record from Fleetwood Mac.

Gemini

May 22 - June 21
Wears a red and green body suit studded with silver metal spikes. Can make his enemies' left socks disappear forever. Wields a powerful energy-pencil.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20
Enormous and metallic. Eats tanks for breakfast and suffers only mild indigestion. Can demolish buildings and make lots of noise. Fights for capitalism and right wing majority in governments. Lactose intolerant.

Cancer

June 22 - July 22
Wears a psycho-kinetic toga. Can afflict enemies with mild chest pains and chaffing. Speaks directly with the devil himself.

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20
Part man, part dictionary. Uses superior word skills to overpower enemies in scrabble. Can correct spelling of enemies. Hovers.

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22
Wears a stained t-shirt and jeans. Can drink any other mutant super-hero under the table. Shoots a powerful laser beam from liver. Can enter the elemental plane of beer at will.

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19
Wears a trendy teflon coated trenchcoat. Throws thermonuclear chess pieces at enemies. Can communicate with taxi drivers telepathically. Especially vulerable to country music.

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22
Part man, part teletubby. Terrorizes with repetitive sound attacks. Flies. Feeds on fear. Susceptible to intelligent conversation attacks.

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20
Composed entirely of earth. Can create devastating earthquakes and landslides, and shoot jets of molten lava from fingertips. Easily angered. Had troubled angst ridden childhood and doesn't make friends very well.