Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20
This week will be disappointing at worst and confusing at best. Throughout the week plot elements will reveal themselves to you in a loud and unpleasant manner. Take no notice of them, they bear no relevance. Avoid confrontations unless you are confidently armed.
starring Micheal Douglas and a Robot

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23
Key social and political beliefs will be addressed in your week by the antics of a close friend/relative and his/her evil twin. The mixture of genres will be charming at first, and then quickly become tedious. The only thing to look forward to is a quick merciful ending.
starring Tim Robins and Tim Robins

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21
Challenge the limits of imagination and visualization this week. Search for deeper meanings, read between the lines, and when there's nothing there to read make something up. Keep your lines down to 2 or 3 words this week, there's no point in trying to upstage the plot.
starring Keanu Reeves.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21
No point in asking what's going to happen this week, you don't want to know. It's best to be relaxed while in a life-threatening accident.
starring Andrew Lloyd Webber and the Flintstones

Gemini

May 22 - June 21
Your week will be a deep, soul searching session, where you make little progress until some oaf breaks in and drags you off to a tropical island to have you hang on his arm while he rains destruction on the deserved.
starring Winona Rider and Arnold Schwartzeneger

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20
Your week will be hijacked by barnyard karate action on an embarrassing scale. Any morals taught to you this week will be redeemed by violence. Keep a box tissues handy, you may need them to suffocate yourself.
starring Chuck Norris and 5 identical goats

Cancer

June 22 - July 22
The whole world turns into a ridiculous, satyrical, cynical circus around you. Maintain a straight face, it will all be over soon.
starring Charlie Sheen

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20
Sometimes you may feel like you're in a battleground, beset on all sides. Sometimes you may feel like the only ones watching your back are vultures. save you. Everything will be alright.
starring William Dafoe and Babs Bunny

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22
You try the Papa-bear's brains, but his brains are too hot! You try the Mama-bear's brains, but they are too cold! Then you try Baby-bear's brains and they are juusssst riiigghhtt...
starring Anthony Hopkins and the three bears

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19
Stay home this week, the outside world is too scary. Set traps for the mormons. Sharp traps work better than blunt ones, but aren't as fun.
starring Macaulay Culkin

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22
You will suffer a confusing romantic week. You will do things you know you shouldnt, and not do things you know you should. At the end you will search for a meaning and find none. Don't let that get you down.
starring random actor from Friends

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20
This week will be a bad trip for you. Expect a lot of screaming and pointless inward monologues. Try as they might, external forces will not harm you this week, sadly.
starring Jennifer Love Hewitt