Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20
The Beginning...
You dismount from your wary camel and stand at the gates of Xian. Behind the steel walls, great towers pierce the golden heavens like godly spears. You unburden your camel with the corpse of your dehydrated companion and lay him on the sandy road. The gates are unmanned, do you...
  1. knock on the gates (go to Aquarius)
  2. hollor like the damned (go to Virgo)

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23
You are swarmed by toothless hags and leperous wenches. Do you choose..
  1. 5 denarii sucky sucky (go to Cancer)
  2. Me love you long time (go to Cancer)
  3. attack!!! (go to Sagittarius)

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21
The bartender's greeting is as rough as sandpaper and half as satisfying. The patrons eye you suspiciously. Vermin avoids you. Do you...
  1. buy everyone a drink to break the ice (go to Scorpio)
  2. buy a jug of the good stuff and retreat to a dark corner (go to Pisces)

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Three days later you wake up drenched in 3 different flavours of vomit in a barrel on the side of the street. You bathe in a horses trough nearby. Do you...
  1. go to the local whorehouse (go to Libra)
  2. go back to the tavern (go to Taurus)

Gemini

May 22 - June 21
Roll 4d6 to determine the number of times you are stabbed by the guards' spears. As your life blood drains away from your perforated body into the sands, the guards shrug indifferently, and one gets a shovel. You greet Odin in Val Halla and he brands you a moron.
You are dead, go back to Aries and start again.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20
You draw your sword you slash wildly and brutally, grinning at the sound of tearing flesh and snapping bones. You continue to hack at the fleeing, wounded and crippled, until all are thoroughly dead. As you wring the blood out of your tunic and pick the chunks out of your hair you find the priceless jewel of Don Juarez. Do you...
  1. go to the Aardvark Tavern to spend it all on piss (go to Taurus)
  2. play "who's limb belongs to who" (go to Gemini)

Cancer

June 22 - July 22
You are gummed to death by wrinkly old one-eyed women in a dark alley and stripped of all your possessions. You greet Odin in Val Halla and he brands you an idiot.
You are dead, go back to Aries and start again.

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20
The guards mumble something about falling in a grill as you part their company. After a short walk you find yourself in the city center. Do you...
  1. go get wasted at the Aardvark Tavern (go to Taurus)
  2. head down to the local whorehouse (go to Libra)

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22
"Greetings," you say, "I am Useppe the Lost, I have stumbled many miles through the desert of bastards and seek shelter."
"Ah, you're gonna get fixed up right over here.", says the head guard.
"You fucken what?"
Do you...
  1. ignore the guards and enter Xian (go to Capricorn)
  2. attack!!! (go to Gemini)

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19
The gates creak open and you are greeted by an ensemble of guards. They all woke up with a serious hangover this afternoon and aren't altogether pleased to see you. Do you...
  1. attack!!! (go to Gemini)
  2. talk to them (go to Leo)

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22
"Shut the fuck up!", a rusty, well used voice calls back. Do you...
  1. knock on the gates (go to Aquarius)
  2. hollor again (go to Virgo)

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20
You find the priceless jewel of Don Juarez at the bottom of your jug. Unfourtunately it is now lodged in your throat, and as you turn blue and consciousness slips away, you greet Thor in an AA meeting.
You are dead, go back to Aries and start again.