Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20
You will be contacted by extra-reality agents before the week is out. They will attempt to convince you that reality is an illusion. You will offer them a beer and say 'Ray!!!' Lucky number, 31. Lucky siren, air raid.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23
Many years of hard work are beginning to pay off. Spend it all on booze and cheap women. They're more fun to party with than starving children, guide dogs, or a cure for cancer. Lucky number, 77. Lucky fabric softener, Fab.

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21
You have been running on empty for too long. The needle is approaching empty. You need to stop at the next proverbial service station and get some spiritual fuel. Lucky number, 4. Lucky burger, Hawaiian.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21
There are plenty of fish in the sea. If you like fish, this is a good thing. Good things come in small packages. So do letter bombs. Get someone else to check your mail from now on. Lucky number, 5.39e6. Lucky colour, wheat.

Gemini

May 22 - June 21
You're break is coming up soon, but knowing your luck you'll probably balls it up somehow. No matter, you can wait another month or so. Lucky number, 17. Lucky license plate, MS INKY

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20
New oppourtunities enter your life. They may knock, or they might break in through a window. Lucky number, 90. Lucky acid, sulphuric.

Cancer

June 22 - July 22
Try not to murder anyone, steal anything, shit on your friends or commit adultery. It's bad form. Lucky number, 0. Lucky narcotic, heroin.

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20
Your life is becoming a dangerous juggling act, and noone is tipping dollars in your hat. Try juggling more things, or sing 80s pop hits over an unconvincing ghetto blaster like that guy in cuba street does. Lucky number, 8. Lucky beast of burden, camel.

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22
You need to pull your life together before the pieces get lost under the couch or behind the bed. Use real glue, paste won't hold your life together. Try to keep it in a safe place next time. Lucky number, 17. Lucky neurosis, schizophrenia.

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19
Wear a wig and sunglasses, a tracksuit, and always hold a hand up to cover your face. People will think you're a celebrity. Lucky number, 4. Lucky petrol, 91 unleaded.

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22
Open all the mail you've been ignoring and play a little drinking game: Drink once for each bill you receive. Drink twice for each warning letter from Student Finances. Drink thrice for each Alcoholics Anomymous flyer. Lucky number, 0x03C. Lucky pencil, 4H.

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20
Put a fresh change of underwear, toothbrush, knife, earmuffs, two potatoes and a can of oil in a sack and hike into the mountains. Why? I don't know. Lucky number, 39. Lucky cereal, fruit loops.