Mar 21 - Apr 20

You will be contacted by extra-reality agents before the week is out. They will attempt to convince you that reality is an illusion. You will offer them a beer and say 'Ray!!!' Lucky number, 31. Lucky siren, air raid.


Sept 23 - Oct 23

Many years of hard work are beginning to pay off. Spend it all on booze and cheap women. They're more fun to party with than starving children, guide dogs, or a cure for cancer. Lucky number, 77. Lucky fabric softener, Fab.


Apr 21 - May 21

You have been running on empty for too long. The needle is approaching empty. You need to stop at the next proverbial service station and get some spiritual fuel. Lucky number, 4. Lucky burger, Hawaiian.


Oct 24 - Nov 21

There are plenty of fish in the sea. If you like fish, this is a good thing. Good things come in small packages. So do letter bombs. Get someone else to check your mail from now on. Lucky number, 5.39e6. Lucky colour, wheat.


May 22 - June 21

You're break is coming up soon, but knowing your luck you'll probably balls it up somehow. No matter, you can wait another month or so. Lucky number, 17. Lucky license plate, MS INKY


Nov 22 - Dec 20

New oppourtunities enter your life. They may knock, or they might break in through a window. Lucky number, 90. Lucky acid, sulphuric.


June 22 - July 22

Try not to murder anyone, steal anything, shit on your friends or commit adultery. It's bad form. Lucky number, 0. Lucky narcotic, heroin.


Dec 21 - Jan 20

Your life is becoming a dangerous juggling act, and noone is tipping dollars in your hat. Try juggling more things, or sing 80s pop hits over an unconvincing ghetto blaster like that guy in cuba street does. Lucky number, 8. Lucky beast of burden, camel.


July 23 - Aug 22

You need to pull your life together before the pieces get lost under the couch or behind the bed. Use real glue, paste won't hold your life together. Try to keep it in a safe place next time. Lucky number, 17. Lucky neurosis, schizophrenia.


Jan 21 - Feb 19

Wear a wig and sunglasses, a tracksuit, and always hold a hand up to cover your face. People will think you're a celebrity. Lucky number, 4. Lucky petrol, 91 unleaded.


Aug 23 - Sept 22

Open all the mail you've been ignoring and play a little drinking game: Drink once for each bill you receive. Drink twice for each warning letter from Student Finances. Drink thrice for each Alcoholics Anomymous flyer. Lucky number, 0x03C. Lucky pencil, 4H.


Feb 20 - Mar 20

Put a fresh change of underwear, toothbrush, knife, earmuffs, two potatoes and a can of oil in a sack and hike into the mountains. Why? I don't know. Lucky number, 39. Lucky cereal, fruit loops.