Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20
The tunnel continues for 50 feet and ends at a t-junction. The floor is slimy and flat. Your holy sword glows faintly. The smell of vampire thickens the air. Lucky number, 5d6. Lucky sword, Broad.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23
You are at a crucial time in your life, as shown by the presence of Pluto somewhere near your sign. You also must send me all your money, signalled by the position of the sun in relation to Venus. Lucky number, 10. Lucky organ, liver.

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21
Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives. They're gritty, get stuck in your shoes, and generally irritate you. Lucky number, 99. Lucky disease, scurvey.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21
One potato two potato three potato four, you will marry a hot air hostess and live in a $500,000 dollar house in oriental bay. Lucky number, 21. Lucky religion, Quaker.

Gemini

May 22 - June 21
Take the package to the phone booth on the corner of 5th and main. The phone will ring. Answer it with "The cock crows at noon". All will be revealed. Lucky number, 12. Lucky talk show host, Riki. Lake.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20
You will be visited by a mysterious stranger. Hide the good silverware. Lucky number, 90. Lucky fascist dictator, Mussolini.

Cancer

June 22 - July 22
Now listen very carefully, you have only a few seconds. There is a red wire leading from the clock to the circuit board. There is also a black wire connecting the circuit board to the power supply. Cut the red wire, wait 5 seconds, then cut the black wire. Lucky number, 00:01. Lucky wire, blue.

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20
The world is going to end tomorrow. You have 24 hours to rob a bank, sleep with a complete stranger, get even with childhood bullies, get blind off your face drunk, and try hard drugs before converting to christianity and praying for forgiveness. Lucky number, 6. Lucky jam, plum.

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22
You may be feeling like you're trapped and there's no way out, like the walls are closing in like you're locked inside a safe sinking in the ocean, boxed in by pressure and assaulted from all sides. Then again, you may not. Lucky number, 0. Lucky super hero, Silver Surfer.

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19
Let the sun shine!, let the sun shine!, sun shine in! Lucky number, 55. Lucky perfume, Convultion by Yves Saint Laurant .

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22
You're crazy. Your friends think you're crazy. I think you're crazy. People you pass in the street think you're crazy. People who have never seen you before think you're crazy. Lucky number, 33. Lucky insect, Dung beetle.

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20
Love is in the air. I recommend either Glade or Black Flag. Lucky number, 39. Lucky colour, Wheat.