Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20
Major forces are conspiring against you. Minor forces are conspiring against the major ones. Noone knows what to do. And that suits you Just fine. Lucky number, 9. Lucky food, asparagus

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23
There are clues all around you. They point to the ultimate answer. Ask your friends to help you decypher the clues. They will help you find inner peace ( the clues that is, not your friends ). Lucky number, 1. Lucky beer, Speights.

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21
Things come and things go, but some things stay the same. And other things change. Life goes on, until it stops. It's always calmest before the storm. Lucky number, 12.3. Lucky tyre brand, Firestone.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Times are a changin', and you have to move with the times. There is an alien probe in your constellation. I think it's trying to tell you something. Lucky number, pi. Lucky sneaker, Nike.

Gemini

May 22 - June 21
I don't want to get your hopes up, so life from now on is downhill for you. Lucky number, 49. Lucky cheese, Brie.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20
Now is the time to strike. The brotherhood has waited hundreds of years for revenge and revenge is a dish best served after the main course but before desert. Lucky number, 90. Lucky flower, dandelion.

Cancer

June 22 - July 22
You are following a trail and you don't know it. I see a big room, softly lit, with tables and chairs. Tables and chairs. It's all so obvious. Lucky number, B. Lucky missile, AMRAAM

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20
All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic elements may not be used where there is light. Medium atomic weights are available. Lucky number, 8. Lucky celebrity, JFK jr.

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22
Heads or tails. You will choose heads. Be wary of those who choose tails. Lucky number, 17. Lucky number, 42.

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19
There is another you inside you waiting to burst out. It is either a good you or a bad you. Either way, the bursting could be painful. Lucky number, 4. Lucky Friends star, Matt le Blank.

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22
Where there's smoke there's fire. But where there's steam, there's water. And where there's lava, there's rock. Where there's lava and water, there's steam. Lucky number, -3. Lucky tree, Kauri.

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20
Your ship is coming in. It could be a pirate ship, a merchant ship, a battleship, a partnership, a relationship,... Lucky number, 39. Lucky Raro flavour, sweet navel orange.