Mar 21 - Apr 20

Delivering food packages to the needy is admirable. Training killer bees to deliver food packages is admirably diabolical.


Sept 23 - Oct 23

Life likes to throw things in your face. She's bitchy like that.


Apr 21 - May 21

If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you? Taurus seems to believe you would.


Oct 24 - Nov 21

A time machine is supposed to do more than merely tell the time.


May 22 - June 21

There is probably a rational explanation for why your tea leaves keep forming images of Kenny Rogers licking a giant squid.


Nov 22 - Dec 20

That itch on your left elbow is not trying to tell you anything at all. However, that repeated poke in the ribs with a firearm is.


June 22 - July 22

You will finally have a nickel for every time you heard that.


Dec 21 - Jan 20

There's a thin line between pleasure and pain, drawn with chocolate milk and battery acid.


July 23 - Aug 22

Times are tough, especially waking time, and living in a box in an alley eating rats time.


Jan 21 - Feb 19

If you build it they will come. If you fill it with piranhas they will not stay for long.


Aug 23 - Sept 22

Your irrational fear of cream filled donuts will soon be rationalized.


Feb 20 - Mar 20

While it is theoretically possible to form a black hole entirely from lego men heads, it is both impractical and immensely stupid.