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Aries |
Mar 21 - Apr 20 |
| New insight will into your relationships will be gained after reading the book: Schoolgirls are from Mercury, Paedophile Sociopaths are from Pluto. |
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Libra |
Sept 23 - Oct 23 |
| It doesn't count as partying if its just you sitting in front of a television drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. |
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Taurus |
Apr 21 - May 21 |
| The libriaians still do not suspect that you are the person responsible for writing `Them is fightin words' on their dictionary covers. |
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Scorpio |
Oct 24 - Nov 21 |
| Your Drum 'n' Bass group will be disqualified for
using 'Big Mouth Billy Bass(TM),' the singing fish. |
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Gemini |
May 22 - June 21 |
| Its a small world, you can easily hate all of it |
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Sagittarius |
Nov 22 - Dec 20 |
| If life hands you lemons, squirt lemon juice in
its eyes and attack it while its blinded. |
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Cancer |
June 22 - July 22 |
| Your Valentine will reject you in favour of someone
who is more attractive and popular than you. She will
then drag him along to a chick-flick romantic comedy movie in which the heroine achieves happiness by falling in love with a complete loser like you.
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Capricorn |
Dec 21 - Jan 20 |
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Leo |
July 23 - Aug 22 |
| God gave you legs, land-mines will take them away |
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Aquarius |
Jan 21 - Feb 19 |
bash$ ./Aquarius
Segmentation fault (core dumped) |
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Virgo |
Aug 23 - Sept 22 |
| You have deluded yourself into believing that your
gender is being victimised by a patriarchy when it
fails to cater to its every whim, and if this problem affected men they would have fixed it 30 years ago |
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Pisces |
Feb 20 - Mar 20 |
| This horoscope is infringing on Patent No. #214343355; A recognisable configuration of luminous astral objects referred to as Pisces and represented by a fish shaped icon, for the purpose of divining the future. |
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