Mar 21 - Apr 20

New insight will into your relationships will be gained after reading the book: Schoolgirls are from Mercury, Paedophile Sociopaths are from Pluto.


Sept 23 - Oct 23

It doesn't count as partying if its just you sitting in front of a television drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.


Apr 21 - May 21

The libriaians still do not suspect that you are the person responsible for writing `Them is fightin words' on their dictionary covers.


Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your Drum 'n' Bass group will be disqualified for using 'Big Mouth Billy Bass(TM),' the singing fish.


May 22 - June 21

Its a small world, you can easily hate all of it


Nov 22 - Dec 20

If life hands you lemons, squirt lemon juice in its eyes and attack it while its blinded.


June 22 - July 22

Your Valentine will reject you in favour of someone who is more attractive and popular than you. She will then drag him along to a chick-flick romantic comedy movie in which the heroine achieves happiness by falling in love with a complete loser like you.


Dec 21 - Jan 20

fuck you


July 23 - Aug 22

God gave you legs, land-mines will take them away


Jan 21 - Feb 19

bash$ ./Aquarius
Segmentation fault (core dumped)


Aug 23 - Sept 22

You have deluded yourself into believing that your gender is being victimised by a patriarchy when it fails to cater to its every whim, and if this problem affected men they would have fixed it 30 years ago


Feb 20 - Mar 20

This horoscope is infringing on Patent No. #214343355; A recognisable configuration of luminous astral objects referred to as Pisces and represented by a fish shaped icon, for the purpose of divining the future.