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Aries |
Mar 21 - Apr 20 |
| Aries could tell you what dark humour fate has in store for you, but would rather see that priceless look on your face. |
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Libra |
Sept 23 - Oct 23 |
| Libra discourages breeding homicidal two-headed fire-breathing gorillas, even if doing so could result in a cure for the dreaded polio. |
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Taurus |
Apr 21 - May 21 |
| Alphabet soup is not the tasty, tomato flavoured word of God. |
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Scorpio |
Oct 24 - Nov 21 |
| In your travels you will discover a picture that paints a mere 873 words. |
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Gemini |
May 22 - June 21 |
| That twitch in the little toe on your left foot can mean only one thing; Old-man Guthrie is back! |
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Sagittarius |
Nov 22 - Dec 20 |
| You will learn that the potato-men do actually have powerful allies. |
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Cancer |
June 22 - July 22 |
| To your distress, nothing funny at all will happen on the way to the office. |
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Capricorn |
Dec 21 - Jan 20 |
| It is wise to heed that sign that says "Beware of Man-eating Lion" |
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Leo |
July 23 - Aug 22 |
| Leo suggests that there are better things to do with virgins than sacrificing them.
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Aquarius |
Jan 21 - Feb 19 |
| If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, why are you asking it for directions? |
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Virgo |
Aug 23 - Sept 22 |
| The time for action has come. All will bathe in the cleansing fire. The talking tea-pot said so. |
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Pisces |
Feb 20 - Mar 20 |
| If you can't fit that child in your oven, you should catch smaller children or get a bigger oven. |
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