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Aries |
Mar 21 - Apr 20 |
| The Family is pleased with your exploits in the new country. Keep up the good work and you won't lose any more fingers. |
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Libra |
Sept 23 - Oct 23 |
| Libra knows what you did last summer. |
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Taurus |
Apr 21 - May 21 |
| That third nipple is really a self destruct button, so stop playing with it. |
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Scorpio |
Oct 24 - Nov 21 |
| No witness protection program can save you from the PEANUTTY PEOPLE! |
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Gemini |
May 22 - June 21 |
| You simply cannot divine the future from your own vomit. |
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Sagittarius |
Nov 22 - Dec 20 |
| You can run, AND you can hide. But can you line dance? |
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Cancer |
June 22 - July 22 |
| The writing on the wall says "Emilio '95" |
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Capricorn |
Dec 21 - Jan 20 |
| Brace yourself, you are travelling forward in time at an alarming rate of 1 second per second! What wonderous secrets will the future hold? |
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Leo |
July 23 - Aug 22 |
| You can look forward to a month of fortune, romance and success. It's the month after that you should be worried about. |
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Aquarius |
Jan 21 - Feb 19 |
| Steak sauce is not made from steak! |
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Virgo |
Aug 23 - Sept 22 |
| Your lucky number is 379. That's how many seconds you will last without oxygen. |
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Pisces |
Feb 20 - Mar 20 |
| After deep philosophical debate you and your colleagues will determine the meaning of the universe. Unfourtunately you will all be too damn drunk to remember it in the morning. |
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