Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20

The Family is pleased with your exploits in the new country. Keep up the good work and you won't lose any more fingers.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23

Libra knows what you did last summer.

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21

That third nipple is really a self destruct button, so stop playing with it.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21

No witness protection program can save you from the PEANUTTY PEOPLE!

Gemini

May 22 - June 21

You simply cannot divine the future from your own vomit.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20

You can run, AND you can hide. But can you line dance?

Cancer

June 22 - July 22

The writing on the wall says "Emilio '95"

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20

Brace yourself, you are travelling forward in time at an alarming rate of 1 second per second! What wonderous secrets will the future hold?

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

You can look forward to a month of fortune, romance and success. It's the month after that you should be worried about.

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19

Steak sauce is not made from steak!

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22

Your lucky number is 379. That's how many seconds you will last without oxygen.

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20

After deep philosophical debate you and your colleagues will determine the meaning of the universe. Unfourtunately you will all be too damn drunk to remember it in the morning.