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Aries |
Mar 21 - Apr 20 |
| It's a funny thing, life. Not funny ha-ha, but funny kill-me-now. Your stars laugh and sneer at you. Cowards! Come here and say that!
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Libra |
Sept 23 - Oct 23 |
| To you the stars, being merely super-hot balls of gas, would appear to know little about your future. And you're right.
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Taurus |
Apr 21 - May 21 |
| In one ear, out the nose.
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Scorpio |
Oct 24 - Nov 21 |
| Look at yourself in the mirror. Where do you start? Where do you end? Does it matter? The answers are meaningless. The questions even more so.
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Gemini |
May 22 - June 21 |
| You will discover land while searching for another route to work this month. You may encounter difficulties acquiring funds for the expedition, but the rewards, dairy products and warm pies, will be bountiful.
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Sagittarius |
Nov 22 - Dec 20 |
| I've seen this episode, this is the one with the mysterious stranger.
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Cancer |
June 22 - July 22 |
| You may sometimes get the feeling that you're in black'n'white while others are in colour. Sometimes you may feel like you're the static on HBO.
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Capricorn |
Dec 21 - Jan 20 |
| Your plan involving the dynamite, road marking paint and ACME(tm) water balloons will fail miserably. Try hunting chickens instead.
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Leo |
July 23 - Aug 22 |
| Happiness, Fortune, Romance. I see none of these in your future.
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Aquarius |
Jan 21 - Feb 19 |
| It's lonely at the bottom
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Virgo |
Aug 23 - Sept 22 |
| This month you must balance business with family, and the unceasing desire to commit bloody murder in a dark, foggy alleyway. While work has it's rewards, you should not neglect your love ones, or your trusty wood-axe Meryl.
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Pisces |
Feb 20 - Mar 20 |
| One morning you will be faced with the meaningless of the universe; That like ants we toil, as mere biological robots; That we are all trapped in the cycle of action and reaction, as dominoes in a huge tangled web of chaos. You will then have a cup of coffee and go work as usual.
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