Mar 21 - Apr 20

Even though you will spend the entire month staring at the walls occasionally masturbating the stars have managed to produce a horoscope for you: West wall, left handed.


Sept 23 - Oct 23

Will the real Slim Libra please stand up


Apr 21 - May 21

Hello world.


Oct 24 - Nov 21

There is no way that stain is going to come out of the carpet. Your only option is to burn down the house.


May 22 - June 21

Oh please let me be the first to congratulate you on your discovery of sarcasm


Nov 22 - Dec 20

Do bears shit in the woods? Yes
Is the Pope catholic? Yes
Are bears catholic? No.
Does the Pope shit in the woods? No, the Pope shits exclusively on other catholics.


June 22 - July 22

Your coworkers will stop coming to you for advice, this is because you died and were reincarnated as the new water cooler.


Dec 21 - Jan 20

Transport officials will continue to deny your assertion that all roads lead to Rome, Floyd County GA.


July 23 - Aug 22

Yes, No and Maybe.

Use the above three answers to deal with any questions you have for this month.


Jan 21 - Feb 19

Your mission if you choose to accept it is to randomly enter peoples lives as a tall dark stranger. As always should you be caught or killed the stars will only make vague predictions about your love and career prospects.


Aug 23 - Sept 22

You will begin to notice that rocks and small pebbles no longer avoid your gaze as THEY DONT CARE IF YOU KNOW BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP THEM


Feb 20 - Mar 20