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Aries |
Mar 21 - Apr 20 |
| Even though you will spend the entire month staring at the walls occasionally masturbating the
stars have managed to produce a horoscope for you: West wall, left handed. |
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Libra |
Sept 23 - Oct 23 |
| Will the real Slim Libra please stand up |
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Taurus |
Apr 21 - May 21 |
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Scorpio |
Oct 24 - Nov 21 |
| There is no way that stain is going to come out of the carpet. Your only option is to burn down the house. |
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Gemini |
May 22 - June 21 |
| Oh please let me be the first to congratulate you on your discovery of sarcasm
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Sagittarius |
Nov 22 - Dec 20 |
Do bears shit in the woods? Yes
Is the Pope catholic? Yes
Are bears catholic? No.
Does the Pope shit in the woods? No, the Pope shits exclusively on other catholics. |
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Cancer |
June 22 - July 22 |
| Your coworkers will stop coming to you for
advice, this is because you died and were
reincarnated as the new water cooler. |
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Capricorn |
Dec 21 - Jan 20 |
| Transport officials will continue to deny your assertion that all roads lead to Rome, Floyd County GA. |
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Leo |
July 23 - Aug 22 |
Yes, No and Maybe.
Use the above three answers to deal with any questions you have for this month. |
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Aquarius |
Jan 21 - Feb 19 |
| Your mission if you choose to accept it is to randomly enter peoples lives as a tall dark stranger. As always should you be caught or killed the stars will only make vague predictions about your love and career prospects. |
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Virgo |
Aug 23 - Sept 22 |
| You will begin to notice that rocks and small pebbles no longer avoid your gaze as THEY DONT CARE IF YOU KNOW BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP THEM |
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Pisces |
Feb 20 - Mar 20 |
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