Mar 21 - Apr 20

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your life isn't worth it
Go kill yourself now.


Sept 23 - Oct 23

The weather lady is not trying to send you a secret message by waving her hands, the code is actually transmitted in her blinking, GODAMMIT! Her blinking!


Apr 21 - May 21

You will meet your one true love tomorrow, they will be married and have kids. Even though they smile and talk to you, it is painfully obvious that your presence makes them uneasy.


Oct 24 - Nov 21



May 22 - June 21

You are a different person everyday but keep making the same mistakes. Most likely this is because you are stupid.


Nov 22 - Dec 20

You body is made up of more than 76% water, beer contains even more than this. Use this new found kinship as an excuse to spend more time together.


June 22 - July 22

Satan will appear and make you download large amounts of porn from the internet. Our advice is to sit back and enjoy it.


Dec 21 - Jan 20

Sticks and stones may break your bones but the cruel insults will leave you emotionally scarred for ever.


July 23 - Aug 22

Using the office lift will bring about an unexpected change in direction in your life, straight down at 9.8M/s². New experiences will rush up to greet you before you are ready, consider taking the stairs next time.


Jan 21 - Feb 19

No route to host.


Aug 23 - Sept 22

All that is required is a quick darting movement.


Feb 20 - Mar 20

Remember that you only live once, the whole process takes about 70 years and is generally regarded as an unfortunate experience.