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Aries |
Mar 21 - Apr 20 |
| A robot from the future will try to convince you that your unconceived daughter is responsible for the brutal sixth world war in which millions of Elvis impersonators will lose their lives.
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Libra |
Sept 23 - Oct 23 |
| Life, while full and vibrant in the beginning, inevitably decays into an empty world full of inert circles, spinning lines, and possibly a few lonely, wandering triangles.
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Taurus |
Apr 21 - May 21 |
| Keep your friends close. Shoot your enemies. |
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Scorpio |
Oct 24 - Nov 21 |
| Discard your cheery summer wardrobe, black is in this winter.
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Gemini |
May 22 - June 21 |
| Your cutting-edge research on the ultimate war machine will be ridiculed by your class mates and will not impress the girls as intended.
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Sagittarius |
Nov 22 - Dec 20 |
| You will inherit a gorilla suit, a pair of flared trousers and a vast underwater kingdom of mermaids from a distant relative. You will feel remorse for not visiting him/her enough in the past.
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Cancer |
June 22 - July 22 |
| Faeries will hide your wallet. Pixies will make your chair legs uneven. Sprites will pee in your shoes.
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Capricorn |
Dec 21 - Jan 20 |
| Highly organised house pests plot your imminent and gruesome demise.
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Leo |
July 23 - Aug 22 |
| When the dark hour comes, fire will sweep the land and brimstone will rain from the sky. Demons will s
pew forth from the chasms, the dead will rise from their tombs. The sun will turn blacker than coal, the moon redder than blood. Don't worry, it's only for an hour.
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Aquarius |
Jan 21 - Feb 19 |
| You have angered the gods with your arrogance after boasting that you drank a dozen flame beers without their help. You are cursed forever to walk the streets, hungover, trying to get home.
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Virgo |
Aug 23 - Sept 22 |
| A near-life experience this month will cause you to live every day to it's least.
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Pisces |
Feb 20 - Mar 20 |
| Lorayne lit up a marlboro heavy and sagged against the door frame. Razor spurned her as he turned away, knowing exactly why she came her and what she had to say. Lorayne swirled her brandy, brushed back her tired blonde hair, sighed, and said, "Line?"
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