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Aries |
Mar 21 - Apr 20 |
| Whatever your question, you won't find the answer at the bottom of a bottle. Try a keg. |
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Libra |
Sept 23 - Oct 23 |
| Like scum in my coffee mug, so too are the days of our lives. |
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Taurus |
Apr 21 - May 21 |
| You were fast.
You were stealthy.
You could see invisible.
You are dead. |
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Scorpio |
Oct 24 - Nov 21 |
| Life is like a box of chocolates.
Death is like a jar of pickled onions. |
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Gemini |
May 22 - June 21 |
| Something vague will happen that with a stretch of your eager imagination you can apply to your life and reply `My, how did he know that?' |
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Sagittarius |
Nov 22 - Dec 20 |
| You will drink a lot of booze this weekend, and you will invite all your friends. I am your friend. |
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Cancer |
June 22 - July 22 |
| You will get drunk this week trying to write a horoscope update. |
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Capricorn |
Dec 21 - Jan 20 |
| This man is a direct relation of charles manson. He has murdered people for bruce willis, joan rivers, and the olsen twins. He is truely psycho. |
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Leo |
July 23 - Aug 22 |
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Aquarius |
Jan 21 - Feb 19 |
| You discover new power at the office when you find you have the only stapler that works. |
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Virgo |
Aug 23 - Sept 22 |
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Pisces |
Feb 20 - Mar 20 |
| My, that was a yummy slime mold. |
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