Horoscopes


Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20

Mercury has risen into the house of Venus and Jupiter has moved into alignment with Neptune. You, on the other hand, have wasted the the entire month rotting away in you bedroom.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23

You will be lead astray by somone claiming to know the future using a system based on the position of the stars and planets.

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21

It's time to use your brains as well as your brawn, bash your head against next problem you encounter.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21

Look before you leep, unless of course you are leaping into a bottomless pit, then there is probably no point.

Gemini

May 22 - June 21

Run for the hills. There you will meet a short pale friend who will want money. Use only small denominations.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20

Light Showers in the morning turning to heavy rain as the day progresses. A maximum temperature of 14.

Cancer

June 22 - July 22

Now while the stars admit that drinking an entire bottle of whiskey without vomiting is impressive, you should stop telling people that you are the messiah.

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20

They know you are not taking your medication.

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

Your wild Playboy ways come to an end when you switch to reading Penthouse.

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19

You will go directly to jail, not passing GO and not collecting $200.

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22

An indecisive month, sometimes you will appear as a wave and other times as a particle. The more people know about your speed the less they know about your direction. This causes confusion amoung your classical physicist friends.

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20

Surround yourself with friends and loved-ones, this will make it harder for the snipers to get a clear shot.