Mar 21 - Apr 20

Insert tab A into slot A. Fold edge B and glue to edge C. Cut along dotted line D. Insert tab E into slot E. Fold along line... God &^#*!$ damnit I got @!#% glue on my !$?& shirt.


Sept 23 - Oct 23

The garden gnomes are looking at you again. Have you noticed how everytime you look there's more of them? One of them has a fishing rod. He is the leader. Remove him and their society will plunge into chaos.


Apr 21 - May 21

Remember, cobras strike forwards and down. Forwards and down!


Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your cosmic energy field is out of alignment, caused by the presence of Jupiter or, more likely, you got out of bed on the wrong side. The implications of this are alarming.


May 22 - June 21

There was a young man named Jack Who lived in a wilderness shack
When asked for the time, he'd probably beat you, rob you blind and leave you for dead in a dark alley.


Nov 22 - Dec 20

2 parts strawberry liqueur
1 part sulphuric acid
1 part rusty iron shavings
4 ripe avocadoes
blend ingredients together, freeze, throw away.


June 22 - July 22

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water.
Jack is caucasian with long brown hair, 6' and 200 lbs.
Jill is polynesian, blonde, 5'9 and 120 lbs.
Do not approach these fugitives as they are considered armed and dangerous.


Dec 21 - Jan 20

Drink if something good happens.
Drink if something bad happens.
Drink twice if pluto is in your constellation.
Drink thrice if you encounter a mysterious stranger.


July 23 - Aug 22

We, like, to party.
We like, we like to party.
We, like, *BANG*


Jan 21 - Feb 19

You are covered from head to toe with microscopic germs. They are wiggling and worming their way around your skin. And however many times you try to wash them off, they never go away. They don't wash off! They'll never wash off! Aaaarrrrgh!


Aug 23 - Sept 22

There are three types of men in this world, Red man, Green man, and Blue man. Red man and Green man are good, but Blue man is evil. Red man and Green man sometimes join together to form Yellow man, but this is rare.


Feb 20 - Mar 20

One potato two potato three potato four.
That's quite a lot of potatoes you have there.