Horoscopes
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Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 20

You may be pleasantly surprised this week by a friend or loved one. If you have no friends or loved ones, you may be pleasantly surprised anyway.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 23

Your thumbnail icon isn't as interresting as those of the other signs, and likewise neither are you.

Taurus

Apr 21 - May 21

You should really stop doing that. It's disgusting and dirty.

Scorpio

Oct 24 - Nov 21

Things are not looking up today. You will not have relationship problems and will not be visited by mysterious strangers.

Gemini

May 22 - June 21

Both of you are going to do all sorts of things, but before you do, think of the consequences. Then do them anyway.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 20

Some time this week you will be hungry. Eating is a temporary solution. The problem is eternal.

Cancer

June 22 - July 22

There is someone behind you. Don't turn around, or they will merely disappear. Look around for something you can defend yourself with (anything sharp will do).

Capricorn

Dec 21 - Jan 20

Tonight you will be swamped by guests. Cook for fourty.

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

Shave.

Aquarius

Jan 21 - Feb 19

The cops still don't know it was you, but it's only a matter of time. Put your last hours of freedom to good use.

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22

Walk down to the corner dairy or service station. Buy whipped cream, chocolate sauce, a roll of duct tape, and rubber gloves. Give the attendant a wink.

Pisces

Feb 20 - Mar 20

There is some annoying debris in your constellation this week and it's mucking up everything.