"It's that time boys and girls!" "To embarass the elderly?" "No!" "To destroy Global Mega-Corperations?!" "Hmmm, maybe later" "To warp time and space destroying the fabric of our existence?!!" "Yes thats right we're going to do an OFFICIAL OSOAL textfile" Greetings fellow tree dwellers and my half Brotter and half tectacle Terracotta Logic you need not fear any-more for it is the Plastik Byson! ___ [_]_) -Moooo, oh sod it I give up! | \ Well I have finally started that textfile that I keep saying that I will write and then never do, actually I had to stop while I waz doing this becase the Komputer started to make very weird noises like "Grrrr Kthuk", "Brrrrrr Oarrrra" and "Can I grab Beneath a Steel Sky from you Gareth?" O.K. that last one is not totally and utterly true ;-) O . S . O . A . L. AT THE MOVIES OSOAL may be dedicated to insulting the hated software companies we sometimes turn our withering cynicism on the movie world, not because we feel that the public has a right to know, its simply that we find insulting someones lifes work mildly amusing. So... see how up and coming Movies rate up against the FAIR YET EASILY BRIBED OSOAL scale: RATINGS ***($ (Three stars a banana and a worm on a stick) = Watch this film then immitate the characters until you are locked up. ,*^L (A dot with a goatee, a star, a hat and the letter L) = You will really like this film unless you suffer from plot-dependancy syndrome (PDS) ../ (Two very small versions of Dennis Moore near an ramp) = It's been done before only nowhere near this bad. #? (A dot with a hook attacks a noughts and crosses board) = Almost as fun as removing your kindey on the 10:15 from Surrey with only a sieve. o (half a Mysteron) = If you miss this movie try at least to hit members of the cast and for bonus points go for the director. RUMBLE IN THE BIYOU starring Jimbo Chan I know most of us would like to sweep all the inbred rednecks under the carpet if it wasn't for the fact that they would bore the carpet to death with stories about Ma & Pa LimaBean, so instead they have made a movie about them, sigh... with Multiple Fight scenes and dialouge translated from Spanish to Mime then eventually to English it leaves you with an after-taste that only sucking on a goat can replicate. OSOAL RATING: o THE RUNNING FLAN starring Arn'tie Schwarzengrdients A sadistic and futuristc cooking show with its presenter Penecillian (the guy from YAN KAN COOK) force BEAN-DIP RICHARD to fight his way across a kitchen destroyed by the 1998 quake while fending off health guru's like Susan Powter and Richard Simmons. I loved this movie, but I was so off-my-face at the time and all I remember is trying to convince the chair I waz sitting on that it waz just an illusion. OSOAL RATING:***($ NATURAL BORN MAILMEN starring Woundnty B Harrys'son & some girl Allover Stoned's chilling look into the US postal service and how it effects the lives of those who work for it. The special effects will not only blow you away the also blow away any chance of plot or character devalopment. Oh well, expect shoutgun and Light automatic sales to rise. One shining light in this film is the character of Mail-ore who is likened to Judy Jetson on acid. OSOAL RATING:../ OLAF QUEEN OF THE SWEDISH-HIGHLANDS starring some demented pervert At first I believed this movie to be beyond explanation until I realised It was a natural defence to avoid reviewing this movie. Three guys (unconfirmed) take a bright cyan 18-wheeler (confirmed) across the swedish highlands (unknown) on a voyage of discovery about themselves (unfortunate but true) Guest apperances by ABBA add another nail to the coffin which already is the worlds largest deposit of Iron. If you like this sort of movie you will be blind by the year 2000. OSOAL RATING:#? Plastik Bysons TOP TEN movie list; 10. Dances With Llamas 9. Reservior Bisons 8. Honey I shrunk Mickey Rooney (?) 7. Clear and Present Mailmen 6. My left tentacle 5. Star Drek VIII The Undiscovered Toupe 4. Thursday the 14th Jason appears on Sally Jesse Raphael 3. Immortal Wombat 2. The Waltons Strike Back 1. Partially Ionised Nuclear Nannies vs the Super Sycotic Ranger Squid on the planet of the Vicious Vorpal Vermin Substiute Teachers. --- SIMROCK --- You play a rock situated in the middle of a field, in the english country side. Oh yes. There should be a menu bar enabling "control" over the rock Buttons RADAR, should change between a 'Normal' radar and the motion sensor from Aliens. CLOAK/DECLOAK, allows the rock to cloak, but of course it cannot fire while cloaked (?) no big loss it can't fire anyway POLYMORPH, Change into different things, what you polymorph into is controlled randomly by the computer. OPEN/CLOSE PODBAY DOORS, Any request to open the pod bay doors are met with the reply that they are endangering the mission. Stardate 12.02.96 Captains Tree Branch. It... makes... me... wonderwhyeventhough I speak... slowly... thenrun allthe wordstogether, why... also... mustIwritelikethis? I... just... don't... know! Stardate 14.30.66 hup!, pass to me! pass to me! Captains Shrubbery. Today we had a senior officer meeting, it went like this: "Bones" "Captain" "Spock" "Bones" "Sulu" "Captain, Bones" "Spock" "Elvis" "Uh-huh!" You know, I think Spocks ears are getting pointier. Stardate Rescue.9.1.1 Captains Pot Plant. Changed course five times for no reason then commented on the frailty of human life, keep getting the same urge to show video-clips of disasters, no the crew isn't quite ready for my album, hoyle! in this bridge, for me to see is buttons to push and go boom. BISON 800: You will have to quit the text-editor manually as I cannot self terminate. _ _ _ THE (_)_)LASTIK |_) YSON | \ |__)