TCL originally wrote the Port-Holes textfile in 1996, I later followed it up
with Naughty-Utilities file which we lost due to the generally inept approach
we took to storing/backing-up files. Recently, a disk that had spent
the last 3 years hiding in the bowels of the shed was found to contain a
preserved copy...


Port-holes (tm), from Nanosquishy (tm).

  Port-holes is a new graphical multi-tasking operating system that has
  the same look and feel of Windows (tm), but the windows are circular,
  and every port-hole has a parrot in it. ...And an eye-patch, and each
  title bar is sea green, and has 'aarrrh' on it.

  The 'affirmative' type sound is replaced with "Aye, Capt'n", the
  illegal operation sound is the dock-side ship horn ( so used in cartoons
  to represent some sort of stench ), and the startup tune is "All handz on
  desk" ( damaging, huh! ). Instead of a recycle bin (tm), you have the
  Plank (tm).

  Explorer is renamed 'The Bridge',and the Start (tm) button is called
  the 'Set sail' button (tm, and with its own rendition of 'Puff the magic
  Dragon' ).

  And BEST of all, Port-holes (tm) is designed to crash your system more
  often than Windows 95 does ( yes, that is a tough achievement ), it
  cannot multi-task with less than 192MB of RAM, and it stubbornly
  occupies 350GB of harddisk space where it stores it's favourite swap files
  for old time's sake. Yes, Port-holes is the purfekt OS for all idiots to 
  have hernias over. yAY. anyway....


O.S.O.A.L. in association with Naughty Inc. presents
Naughty Utilities For Port-Holes(tm).


Naughty Utilities(r) contains many usefull programs such as:

  Naughty DiskDoktor(r):
  This disk doktor beleives that fixing the errors isn't enough, the only
  way to help the "bad" sectors is to rehabilitate them into the disk
  structure by allowing them to express themselves in places like the FAT
  table and Boot Block.

  (NOTE: Naughy does not acknowledge any malpractice suits brought against
         the Naughty Disk Doktor)


  Naughty Guides(r):  (For Experienced Programmers)
  Naughty Guides gives you lots of tips on how to program the Hatey-Hatey-Sux
  chip, for example pop the stack, pop the registers pop any thing you can find,
  for more fun pop registers than don't even exist go on pop GOP, push your
  favorate variable round all conventional memory. 


  Naughty Navigator(r):
  Like most hardened sailors Naughty Navigator is so pissed he couldn't sail if
  his life depended on it. Prepare for re-runs of Gilligans Island on your PC.


  Naughty-Bastard Gauges(r):
  Taking up atleast half the screen with a bank of lights and meters as well
  as using the latest in questionable coding techniques, Bastard-Gauges will
  consume all the CPU time while trying to determine how much CPU time is
  being used.


  Naughty ANTI-Virus(r):
  Requires everybody to wear dark glasses and carry security cards, you don't
  need to worry about virus's anymore if anything tries any "unauthorised"
  disk access it is "taken care of", this includes you.


  Naughty Crash Guard(r):
  Uses the innovative approach of hogging all the system resources so that
  no other programs can run and therefore can't crash thus making your system
  safe. In the event that another progam does manage to get executed,
  Crash Guard will pre-emptively crash the system to prevent the rouge program
  from doing anything bad.


One Short Of A Llama 
http://web.osoal.org.nz