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Login: llama Name: Gareth Palmer
Directory: /home/llama Shell: /bin/bash
Never logged in.
No mail.
No project.


[ Choke ]

Can't breathe

[ 3l33t.r3v3r53.l00kup5.1n-4ddr.4rp4 ]

This rant was partially inspired by:

The saga concerning the appeal for more top level domains added another
chapter recently with ICANN proving that it can be as stupid, biased and
inept as any real corporation. Though, the current group led by Ralph Nader
is particularly bad as the new TLDs the have suggested show a distinct
lack of comprehension about the Internet in general. The only foreseeable
use for such highly specified domains would be to impress the other kiddies
in #3l1t3-un1x-h4ck3r5.

Well, that and this "highly specialized" collection of possible host names:

intenet.consumers, the.taxpayer and.the.shareholder must.avoid.ralph.nader.consumer.unions
with.their.stupid.complaints ruining.the.internet.ecology

One Short Of A Llama's New Top Level Domains

Designed for sites hosting useless web-cams that end up broadcasting pictures
of badly-lit empty rooms for most of their lives. Very occasionally dedicated
viewers are offered the chance to see its owner staring blankly into a computer
monitor, possibly watching other web-cams... who knows.

A top level domain for those third world countries who have yet to embrace the
technology of copper wires. Packets are inscribed in clay, baked and then
transported via toothless old women riding donkeys.

"Fake" unofficial movie fan pages created by film producers to increase the
hype and speculation surrounding an otherwise dull flick such as in
The Gullible Fan Project.

Aimed at any site whose web page developers were so utterly brain-dead that they
were unable think of another way of outputting a few pictures and links on a page
without resorting to using Java, JavaScript and Flash.

Free web-page hosting services compiling vast collections detailing every possible
crime against web-page design there is. From small brightly coloured background
pictures that tile in such a way that they induce nausea to unreadable text and the
obligatory animated "email me" image. Strangely none of this troubled the author.

It is mandatory for any sites in the .porn hierarchy to have the words "100% Free
Nude Pictures" regardless of whether they do or not. Comprised entirely of banners
advertising men doing women and women doing other women when all the user really
ends up doing is closing multiple browser windows that the pages insist on opening.

I like the DNS , BIND, I have many name serfers .....
Who is want to resolvd on my domain, I can zown transfur ......
She can use ns1.mahir

[ Ugh. ]

I managed to exist through another year, imagine my disappointment. So far I have
completely failed to live up to my one New Years resolution which was to spend
as much time in a barely conscious alcoholic haze as possible. Unfortunately such
things are invariably expensive and somehow, even though I have garnered a form of
employment I am poorer as a result of working, how pointless.

David and I have reached an agreement regarding updates of the horoscopes. New
entries will now be posted once a month with each of us doing alternate months.

There was a fault in the login procedure that incorrectly caused the user to be
told that their browser failed to accept the cookie sent by the login page. The
gist of the problem was that the domain attribute of the cookie would be set to
the HTTP_HOST environment variable whereas the browser would be redirected to
the login page using the SERVER_NAME environment variable which is

After much cajoling I was convinced to go to the Big Day Out (a music festival)
to see Nine Inch Nails play live (they rocked). I spend the entire day queuing up
to purchase expensive beer and wading around knee-deep in teeny-boppers who felt
the need to choke me to death with their second-hand smoke.

The final versions of null and ruin are on the manifest page, I'm now trying to
code my own scripting language, but judging by the amount of code I have produced
so far I doubt that it will ever actually work.

[ One Short Of A Llama Guide to Popular Music ]

There are two main species of bands in the music charts; the lame teen we are forming
a band because we have nothing better to do
bands, and the members from older, now
defunct, groups who after 20 years, 2 marriages and 3 drug addictions later have realized
that there is nothing else they are can do.

Silence has never looked so good.


    while (the word while) Actually worth listening too. Only release work
    occasionally as the band spends most of its time in detox.

    ~$@& (Wiggly snake, Snake on a stick, hunch back snake and a snake in a
    knot.) You don't know why you like it and you only end up having to hide
    the CD every time your friends come round.

    8|| (a mysteron climbing a drain-pipe) This band has a listener half-life
    shorter than most radioactive elements. Here today, gone sometime later

    ^. (UFO abducting someone) The song will become so overplayed even deaf
    people will realize how talentless its creators are.

    L (The letter L) If you cant get this song out of your head, try cracking
    open your skull.

Generic Boy Band: I'm saying I love you (just so I can sleep with you)

    A band consisting of 5 guys, none of which actually plays an instrument.
    Instead they have foregone musical talent to concentrate on standing in a
    line and thrusting their pelvises forward. The side effect of this is that
    the collective number of abdominal muscles in the band exceeds the
    collective IQ of itself and of its listeners.

    Rating: L - He's sooo dreamy... *gag*

One Hit Wonders: Umm... that tune.

    Rising to stardom with a song that any idiot and sing, and usually does,
    this genre of music allows radio stations to put the song on continuous
    play for the next three weeks just to make their DJ's seem less
    mind-numbingly stupid and repetitive.

    Rating: ^. - From 0 to obscurity in 60 seconds.

Clone: We're fighting the system by selling out

    Yet another stereotypical rock band producing songs that can be played
    either forwards or backwards with no adverse affects to the lyrics. Their
    latest album is titled Rage Against The Washing-Machine and it can be
    found in more places than hydrogen.

    Rating: 8|| - Sticking it to the man.

Teenage Girl: Look at my perky breasts

    When your singing career is going to end before your transition through
    puberty, you can avoid such wasteful things as having the ability to sing.
    Instead have a clear complexion, perky breasts and a marketing campaign
    that makes missionaries look reserved.

    Rating: L - They probably aren't real.

Random Verb Random Noun: Generation Why

    Qualifying for an alternative band label by performing a song that doesn't
    contain the word 'baby', R.V.R.N. are relying on the teen-angst meal
    ticket for their current album and have plans for a 'Stop saying we sold
    out' single release.

    Rating: ~$@& - Random Rating.

2Puff Dogg-Pac: Yew gonna shair wunna dose beeches wit me?

    Yo G, he be a Pimpin Westside Gangsta who be keepin' it real wit his
    niggaz in da hood, motherfucker. Which is roughly a rhyming version of
    Mr T. Always appears with two scantily clad women hanging off his arms.
    Except that instead of symbolizing his skill with the opposite sex, it
    serves more to advertise that the local brothel has a
    two-for-the-price-of-one sale on.

    Rating: L - Yo! wassup wit dis ray'in?

Old Rocker: Do you believe in a singing career after 50

    With a career spanning several decades this singer has managed to delude
    herself into believing that she is now qualified to comment on world
    events. Supposedly being a vacuous self-absorbed pop-culture whore is
    equivalent to a being political scientist. All of her concerts end before
    10pm so the breeder patrons will not have to pay the babysitter overtime.

    Rating: L - Die Die Die.

Generic Girl Band: If you wanna be my lover you have to buy my CD

    Four more prefabricated pop stars willing to help shovel more into the
    landfill that is pop music. During each song, band members must jerk about
    randomly as if there were 10 000 volts running through her clitoris. This
    was especially entertaining when they were destitute of any decent lyrics
    had to resort to doing a cover of Leonard Cohen's: So long Marianne.

    Rating: L - Girl Power?

Illegal Immigrant: White Men Cant Dance.

    Essentially nothing more than Jazz music with a few Spanish words thrown
    in, this song appears on the Yo Quiero Taco Bell album.

    Rating: L - Run for the Border.

Suffer: Loneliness Bitch

    Preaching to the millions of despondent empty human beings who will quite
    willingly purchase CD that they can wallow-in-self-pity too. Song titles
    such as I hate myself so much and Drinking the pain away remind the
    listener that the only way they can feel any worse is to keep on living.

    Rating: while - I'm going to make all the pain disappear

[ PERL Advocacy ]

A few weeks ago we decided to partake in a drinking game called
The Hour of Power, which involves taking shot of something alcoholic
every minute for an hour. To remind us of when to drink we either needed a
sober person or a program to signal us every minute. Given that the former
is a species that is almost extinct is the shed the latter was chosen, plus
after four beers my programming ability is at its best *cough*.


use strict;
my($i, $limit, $pause);

$limit = abs($ARGV[0] || 60);
$pause = abs($ARGV[1] || 60);

for ($i = 1; $i <= $limit; $i++)
print("\007\nIts time for drink: $i\n\n");

Arguments are passed as ./ [number of drinks] [time in between drinks]
with the default being 60 in both cases. The original version used a pipe to
wall(1) instead of the print statement because for some unknown
reason (ie: I am an idiot) I was unable to get the terminal to emit a beep.

unless (open(WALL, "| /usr/bin/wall"))
die ("aieee! /usr/bin/wall: $!");

print(WALL "Its time for drink: $i\n");

Although this version has the obvious advantage that contestants need not be
in same room, they only have to be logged into the machine running the script.
This means you would be able to organise the first intercontinental Internet-based
drinking game.

One Short Of A Llama's(r) E-DrinkingBinge(r). Get ready for the IPO.

[ The Morning After Beer ]

Went To Brook's 21st on Saturday, there was a 50L keg of Tui
which ended up dispensing 50% froth per cup at the end. It took
longer to walk (or fall) down the stairs and get a drink that
it did to consume it.

There was this fucked up chick who wouldn't leave Brook alone,
she kept citing "He doesn't answer my question", when she received
an answer she didn't like. Some memorable quotes from her were:

"I've spent a year with [my boyfriend] and now I just don't care [about him] anymore."
"I kissed Colin and David."
"Amy and I used to be loud [and annoying] together."

She then decided to show her breasts to a few people.

I got really drunk. Now when I get drunk I am a complete asshole.
Which is functionally different from the complete asshole I am when
sober. At the end, Brook and I were sitting in front of his computer
watching his line draw program, which is a work of art. It produces
more unexplained occurances per line of code than some Microsoft

[ Alone In The Crowd ]

There is a large subset of the adolescent male population whose sole
purpose is to acquire a car then drive around in circles until they
spot another male at which point they roll down the windows and shout
"FAGGOT!". I can only speculate about the amount of brain-damage one
has to suffer from before believing that being a pedestrian is some
sort of homo-erotic act.

Fortunately, their stupidity carries over to their driving skills and
many of them end up driving their pride-and-joys into oncoming traffic
or a power poll killing themselves. But this story does not have a happy

Instead somehow these sub-humans manage to breed, not through any great
prowess of their own mind you, rather they seem to find cell-phone-waving,